Thank You For Hurting Me

thank you for hurting me

I am a huge fan of Kesha so her journey the last couple years was something I thought about a lot. I thought her as this free spirit who didn’t let anyone get her down. And then, someone she trusted destroyed her. I was devastated that she might be out of the game forever, I sent her messages of support and shared the Free Kesha campaign. When she came back last year with Rainbow and put our Praying, it felt like a win for anyone who has ever been betrayed and lost their way in life. I was so proud of her. Kesha’s new CD made things real for me last year, bringing up feelings I haven’t had in a long time. She had the nerve to say things to her “boogeyman,” and it inspired me to say a couple things to you. First off, thank you. With you I wouldnt have grown into who I was meant to become.
In Praying, Kesha says, “You brought the flames, and you put me through hell, I had to learn how to fight for myself.” When I heard this, it occurred to me how much you helped me become the person I am today. I can take care of myself because you gave me no other choice. You always said that I should take a year off because the world was a hard place. I had dreams, and you stepped on every single one because me being home was more convenient for you. Because me failing made it easier for you to have control. You made the world hard. You shook my confidence and made me feel like you didn’t believe in me because you didn’t.
I got a job, a tiny apartment, and finished college. I got married to someone who loves me for me and became a mom despite how I grew up. I became an author (something you told me was a stupid hobby) and enjoy my life. All without you, thank for pissing me off and making me prove you wrong. I can thank you for how strong I have become. I don’t if I would have been there if you wouldn’t have made feel like I had to prove myself.
Another line of the song that gives me goosebumps is, “The best is yet to come.” you whispered in my ear that I wasn’t strong. That I was weak and a bad person, that my relationship wouldn’t last, that I would be a bad mom. Why didn’t you want the best for me? Your advice came in the package of trying to help when in reality you made me small so that you could be big. You offered me a tiny trailer and told me I could never get better. You told me to have a backup plan because relying on my husband was a dumb idea because he would leave me one day.
We moved into a better apartment without a cosigner, together with my husband and I paid off all of our debts before we were 25 and got a new car. We are saving for a house, and our marriage is one of equal partnership. I have a husband who supports me without hurting me or wanting me under his thumb. I have beautiful kids who know that I am not perfect but am trying my best. Things are not how you imagined they would be for me. And its still getting better.
I really do pray for you, I feel so sad that you grew up in a way that made you feel like you had to compete with your children. I hate that you see love as something you have to earn. I hope your heart changes some day and you are able to find Jesus. I hope you get better and are ready to live your best life someday. Until then, I’m praying.

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